Explaining Coercive Control to People Who Don’t Quite Get It
Why Domestic Abuse Is About Power and Control—Not Just Physical Violence
By Samantha Avril-Andreassen, LLB (Hons), LLM, LPC, FRSA
Founder, SAFECHAIN™
Introduction
When most people hear the words domestic abuse, they instinctively think of physical violence.
Bruises.
Broken bones.
Black eyes.
Emergency police call-outs.
These images have shaped public understanding of domestic abuse for generations.
They are real.
They are devastating.
But they are not the whole story.
In fact, one of the greatest misconceptions surrounding domestic abuse is the belief that physical violence is the defining feature of an abusive relationship.
It isn’t.
Modern law, psychology and safeguarding practice increasingly recognise that abuse is often about something far more complex:
Power.
Control.
Domination.
Physical violence may be one method of achieving that control.
Very often, it isn’t the primary one.
Domestic Abuse Is Not Defined by Bruises
Imagine someone asks:
“Did they ever hit you?”
The answer is no.
Many people immediately conclude:
“Then it wasn’t really abuse.”
That conclusion is both inaccurate and dangerous.
An individual can lose their freedom, confidence, financial independence, relationships, mental wellbeing and sense of identity without ever being physically assaulted.
The absence of visible injuries does not mean the absence of harm.
Sometimes, the deepest wounds are the ones no one else can see.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to dominate, isolate and control another.
It is rarely about one dramatic incident.
Instead, it develops gradually.
Almost invisibly.
Like turning down the lights one notch at a time until someone no longer realises how dark the room has become.
The goal is not simply to hurt someone.
The goal is to remove their independence.
To make them doubt themselves.
To make leaving feel impossible.
It Often Starts Small
Coercive control rarely begins with obvious abuse.
It often begins with behaviour that appears caring.
“I’ll manage the finances—it’ll make life easier.”
“I don’t like your friends. They’re a bad influence.”
“I’m only checking where you are because I worry about you.”
“Why would you need your own bank account?”
“I know you better than you know yourself.”
Individually, these comments may appear harmless.
Together, over months or years, they can become a system of control.
Abuse Is a Pattern, Not a Collection of Incidents
This is one of the hardest concepts for people to understand.
Society often asks:
“What happened?”
Survivors often struggle to answer because the abuse wasn’t one event.
It was hundreds.
Thousands.
Small decisions.
Small criticisms.
Small restrictions.
Small humiliations.
Small threats.
Each one may seem insignificant.
Together, they fundamentally reshape another person’s life.
Imagine removing one brick from a house every day.
One brick doesn’t matter.
Eventually, the house collapses.
Coercive control works in much the same way.
Why Survivors Often Stay
Perhaps the most misunderstood question of all is:
“Why didn’t they just leave?”
The question assumes people are free to leave.
Coercive control is specifically designed to make leaving feel impossible.
The survivor may have:
* lost financial independence;
* become isolated from family and friends;
* been convinced nobody will believe them;
* experienced repeated threats;
* become psychologically dependent upon the abuser;
* feared losing their children;
* feared further violence after separation.
Leaving is often the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship.
That is why many survivors delay.
Not because they are weak.
Because they are assessing risk.
Abuse Doesn’t Always End After Separation
Many people believe domestic abuse ends when the relationship ends.
Unfortunately, this is often untrue.
Control may continue through:
* family court proceedings;
* repeated legal applications;
* financial disputes;
* child contact arrangements;
* harassment;
* unwanted communication;
* reputational attacks;
* economic abuse.
The methods change.
The objective remains the same.
To maintain influence.
To maintain control.
Why the Law Changed
For many years, domestic abuse law focused primarily upon physical violence.
Research and lived experience demonstrated that this approach failed to capture the reality experienced by many survivors.
In response, Parliament introduced significant legal reforms.
The Serious Crime Act 2015 recognised coercive and controlling behaviour as a criminal offence.
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 expanded the legal definition of domestic abuse to include psychological, emotional and economic abuse.
These changes acknowledged an important truth.
Abuse is not defined solely by physical injury.
It is defined by patterns of behaviour that create fear, dependency and loss of autonomy.
Why Understanding Coercive Control Matters
Understanding coercive control changes how we see domestic abuse.
Instead of asking:
“Did they hit you?”
We begin asking:
* Who controlled the money?
* Who made the decisions?
* Who became isolated?
* Who felt constantly afraid?
* Who had their confidence systematically destroyed?
* Who was able to live freely?
These questions reveal far more about abuse than visible injuries alone.
This Is Also a Safeguarding Issue
When professionals misunderstand coercive control, the consequences can be profound.
Children may remain exposed to harmful dynamics.
Risk may be underestimated.
Psychological abuse may be dismissed because it leaves no visible evidence.
Victims may be judged by behaviours that are, in reality, trauma responses.
Understanding coercive control is therefore not simply an academic exercise.
It is fundamental to effective safeguarding.
The SAFECHAIN™ Perspective
SAFECHAIN™ views coercive control as both a safeguarding issue and a governance issue.
Institutions that focus solely on isolated incidents risk overlooking the cumulative nature of abuse.
Effective safeguarding requires organisations capable of recognising patterns, understanding trauma and responding proportionately to the realities of psychological control.
The question should never be:
“Was there one incident serious enough?”
The better question is:
“What does the pattern tell us?”
Conclusion
The greatest myth about domestic abuse is that physical violence is the most important part of the story.
Often, it is not.
The defining feature of domestic abuse is not bruises.
It is control.
Control over finances.
Control over relationships.
Control over movement.
Control over confidence.
Control over reality.
Once we understand that, we begin to understand why coercive control is now recognised in law—and why recognising patterns of abuse is essential if we are serious about protecting victims and preventing harm.
Domestic abuse is not simply about violence.
It is about the systematic removal of another person’s freedom.
Until we recognise that, we risk misunderstanding the very nature of abuse itself.
This article is well suited to The Directive™ because it is educational, accessible to a broad audience, and firmly grounded in the legal and safeguarding understanding of coercive control without overstating the law or making unsupported claims. It would work equally well as a flagship website article and as the basis for a podcast episode or LinkedIn publication.
© 2026 Samantha Avril-Andreassen. All Rights Reserved.
Published by SAFECHAINN Ltd (Company No. 12038453)
This article forms part of The Directive™, SAFECHAIN™'s flagship thought leadership series examining governance, safeguarding, coercive control, family justice, institutional accountability, and systems reform.
All original content, research, analysis, SAFECHAIN™ frameworks, methodologies, concepts, terminology, and intellectual property contained within this publication are the exclusive property of Samantha Avril-Andreassen and SAFECHAINN Ltd.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, adapted, distributed, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission, except for brief quotations used for academic study, professional review, or news reporting with full attribution.
This publication is intended to promote informed discussion on safeguarding, governance, domestic abuse and institutional improvement. It does not constitute legal advice.